The Top 5 Worst Dressed Movies

Now, I have no fashion sense, I admit that freely. After all, I'm basically a geek and traditionally, geeks have no clue about how to dress. Forcing me to go clothes shopping is about the worst form of torture that anyone could inflict upon me, especially if said clothing store is in a mall. But sometimes, even I can't help but gape at the screen and wonder why in the world anyone thought that particular fashion statement was actually a good idea. In other words, it's time for the Top Five Worst Dressed Movies list.

5. Dark Shadows
Fashion Faux Pas: Blinding floral prints (which some attempt to avoid by wearing sunglasses larger than their heads), gigantic necklaces and belts, and several outfits which appear to have been made from old wall hangings. Most of the Victorian clothes were good, and even a few of the seventies outfits, but several times I was so busy staring in astonishment at the clothes I forgot to pay attention to the plot. In this case I wasn't missing anything, but still. Since the original TV series seemed to aim more at a classic look than trying to be trendy, it's ironic that a film made in 2012 is more aggressively seventies than a series that was actually being filmed at that time.

Dark Shadows Worst Dressed
Barnabas waits for Elizabeth to collapse under the weight of that pendant.

What Mr. Blackwell Might Say: "Roses are orange, violets chartreuse. For most of these outfits, there is no excuse."

4. Alice in Wonderland
Fashion Faux Pas: The Red Queen's outfits, which look like they'd be right at home in The Hunger Games (see below). Alice's poofy handkerchief dress. Everything the Mad Hatter wears or even considers wearing. In fact, now that I think about it, a good two-thirds of all the outfits Johnny Depp has ever appeared in on screen could make this sort of a list. I now present this lifetime achievement award for Consistently Worst Dressed Actor to Mr. Depp. Congratulations.

Alice Worst Dressed
The shrill sound you hear is a legion of small children shrieking in terrified unison.

What Mr. Blackwell Might Say: "Johnny Depp gets an honorary spot on all Worst Dressed Lists from now until the end of time."

3. Immortals
Fashion Faux Pas: Plastic armor? Seriously? What's divine about that? It's bad enough that they tried making the deities wear their jobs on their heads, literally. Poor Poseidon had to run around with shells over his ears, looking like the masculine version of Princess Leia. Even with swords on his hat, Ares made a singularly unconvincing God of War. And Athena had to make do with a crown since there's no good way to portray wisdom visually. She would've had to wear a brain on her head, and that's just wrong.

Immortals Worst Dressed
The Immortals prepare for their grand finale musical number.

What Mr. Blackwell Might Say: "I pray to the gods, that they might someday get a clue."

Fashion Faux Pas: In the giant semi-real game called Society, where Sims are actual flesh and blood people being controlled remotely by users out for virtual thrills, said Sim-people are forced to wear hideous outfits of the users' choice. Possibly these terrible outfits are meant as a warning -- "CAUTION: Strange behavior may be the result of a faulty net connection", something like that -- because otherwise everyone seems to dress quite reasonably in the future. It is at least a good object lesson to remember: Just because you can select gym socks and platform boots at the same time, it doesn't mean you should.

Gamer Worst Dressed
Bad as the clothes are, the user names are worse. I can't use them on a family-friendly review site.

What Mr. Blackwell Might Say: "It's not only awful costume design, it's awful set design. Two worsts for the price of one. Hint: That isn't twice as good."

1. Hunger Games
Fashion Faux Pas: Gold lamé everywhere. Turquoise. Hapless children forced to dress up as dinner plates and patchwork quilts. Fuchsia. Sparkly makeup. Beards that look like they were drawn on with magic marker and a stencil. There's more, but I can't go on. Thank heavens they didn't make the kids dress up like this while fighting for their lives, or it would have been a comedy.

Hunger Games Worst Dressed
If there were worse examples, thankfully no one has yet immortalized them on the net as far as I could see.

What Mr. Blackwell Might Say: "If I wasn't already dead, this might kill me."

The official MCND Worst Dressed Top 5 logo. That grunge look is so 1980's.


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