MovieCriticND's blog

Let Me In

Like I've said before, there are two kinds of post-apocalypse movies: first, there's the kind like Zombieland, which are relatively tidy. People might complain about missing their creature comforts, but you never see the struggle for food, or the fact that cleanliness is suddenly next to impossible. That sort of thing is saved for movies like The Book of Eli, where a prepackaged finger wipe from Kentucky Fried Chicken is like gold.

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Abby longing to come in; Owen sulking dangerously

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

I reviewed the new versions of Karate Kid and Nightmare on Elm Street without seeing the originals. I leapt bravely into watching Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer without having seen the first flick. Now I'm reviewing the sequel to Wall Street without having seen the first movie.

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Shia and Michael pose for the movie poster

Devil

There's one point in this film where the five people trapped in that ill-fated elevator all look around at each other for something to write with, and no one has anything. I always have a pencil and paper handy myself -- I never know when I might have to rush off to the theatre for an emergency review. Or something. So if they'd just had me there, things might have turned out better. Well, except now I'll never get on an elevator again as long as I live, so the fact that I would almost certainly have a pencil wouldn't help anyone.

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It's about five people stuck in an elevator. You expected explosions?

Resident Evil: Afterlife

There's probably a fascinating story behind the fact that the very first zombie unleashed upon the earth in this series looks like she should be out clubbing instead of tearing out people's throats with her teeth; but I don't know what it is. Yes, what I said on Twitter was true -- I've never seen any of the Resident Evil movies or played any of the games, though I'm not sure the games thing really matters at this point.

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The three biggest guns in the flick, walking headfirst into a trap.

Machete

This movie started as a fake movie, and you can tell.

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Machete and his babies -- all his lovely sharp knives.

The Tourist and Other Myths

Now, I while back, I read a novel called The Tourist, by Olen Steinhauer. What I had was known as an advance reader's copy (it's all right, I'm a professional), and it featured as a selling point the fact that the book had been optioned for a movie to star George Clooney. I cringed. The problem was that I liked the book; but I don't like George Clooney. He also struck me as being all wrong for the lead role, and as I read, I would sometimes sigh to myself over how it would soon be ruined on the big screen.

Takers

Matt Dillon must be getting tired of being in movies about armored car heists. At least this time he's on the other side, playing Jack Welles, the semi-renegade cop who knows some huge criminal plot is in the works, but he can't get anyone else to believe him.

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The criminal cast of Takers poses for a nice group mug shot.

Piranha 3-D

I thought I was loopy, going to see this movie. At the ticket counter, I mumbled the title in shame and the girl had to ask me to repeat it. But what was I going to do, watch the sequel to a kids' movie that I hadn't even seen? Or that odd-looking comedy with Jennifer Aniston? Thanks to that huge, unpleasant ad on imdb, I couldn't bear to take the risk of seeing what's his name make that funny face again.

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The real star of the film glares at you with a fishy eye.

The Expendables

They're expendable and proud of it. I don't get it, either, but they are. Sylvester Stallone even has the word tattooed on his back.

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The cast pictured on the movie poster; magnifying glass required.

The Other Guys

First of all, I don't like Will Ferrell. I'm honestly not sure why they're still letting him star in major motion pictures. And I don't really like Mark Wahlberg, either, after that whole Max Payne thing. I wanted to go see Middle Men because yes, a movie about the economics of internet porn sounded more appealing than this. But it wasn't playing around here. Stupid pseudo-wide-release.

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Allen and Terry use Sir David as a shield from the critics. It doesn't work.