MovieCriticND's blog

Resident Evil: Afterlife

There's probably a fascinating story behind the fact that the very first zombie unleashed upon the earth in this series looks like she should be out clubbing instead of tearing out people's throats with her teeth; but I don't know what it is. Yes, what I said on Twitter was true -- I've never seen any of the Resident Evil movies or played any of the games, though I'm not sure the games thing really matters at this point.

The three biggest guns in the flick, walking headfirst into a trap.


This movie started as a fake movie, and you can tell.

Machete and his babies -- all his lovely sharp knives.

The Tourist and Other Myths

Now, I while back, I read a novel called The Tourist, by Olen Steinhauer. What I had was known as an advance reader's copy (it's all right, I'm a professional), and it featured as a selling point the fact that the book had been optioned for a movie to star George Clooney. I cringed. The problem was that I liked the book; but I don't like George Clooney. He also struck me as being all wrong for the lead role, and as I read, I would sometimes sigh to myself over how it would soon be ruined on the big screen.


Matt Dillon must be getting tired of being in movies about armored car heists. At least this time he's on the other side, playing Jack Welles, the semi-renegade cop who knows some huge criminal plot is in the works, but he can't get anyone else to believe him.

The criminal cast of Takers poses for a nice group mug shot.

Piranha 3-D

I thought I was loopy, going to see this movie. At the ticket counter, I mumbled the title in shame and the girl had to ask me to repeat it. But what was I going to do, watch the sequel to a kids' movie that I hadn't even seen? Or that odd-looking comedy with Jennifer Aniston? Thanks to that huge, unpleasant ad on imdb, I couldn't bear to take the risk of seeing what's his name make that funny face again.

The real star of the film glares at you with a fishy eye.

The Expendables

They're expendable and proud of it. I don't get it, either, but they are. Sylvester Stallone even has the word tattooed on his back.

The cast pictured on the movie poster; magnifying glass required.

The Other Guys

First of all, I don't like Will Ferrell. I'm honestly not sure why they're still letting him star in major motion pictures. And I don't really like Mark Wahlberg, either, after that whole Max Payne thing. I wanted to go see Middle Men because yes, a movie about the economics of internet porn sounded more appealing than this. But it wasn't playing around here. Stupid pseudo-wide-release.

Allen and Terry use Sir David as a shield from the critics. It doesn't work.

Return of the Comic that Ate Hollywood (Green)

It's been five months since the original, so it must be time for the sequel. Okay, really, I just couldn't bring myself to watch anything on offer this past weekend,* and I really feel I should post something. One of these days I might pass 100 readers. Besides, there are actual new developments in the field of superhero flicks!

Green Hornet, meet Green Lantern, Lantern, Hornet.


Considering how much time, money, and effort was put into the buzz about this flick, someone really should have figured out that it had better not open the week after Inception. Though to be fair, based on the early, pretty uninformative trailers for Inception, that movie could have turned out to be something of a yawner, so maybe the Salt people just didn't have enough to go on.

Angelina Jolie, showing off two of the looks she displays as super-spy Saltl


You know those "late for class" dreams that so many people seem to keep having even years and decades after leaving school? I still have those now and then. Thankfully, I never had any of the abruptly-ending staircases they have here, but there were stairs that skewed off at dangerous angles, where walking was next to impossible and I was forced to go on hands and knees to reach the top. In the dream, I would rant and complain about what a stupid style of architecture this was, but it never occurred to me that there was actually anything improbable about it until I woke up.

Arthur and Random Bad Guy walk on walls. And ceilings, and floors.