Thomas Haden Church

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Spider-Man 3

Oh, you knew I'd have to review this one. My head's still spinning, but I'll see what I can do. It's my fault; I went to the theatre with the Ultrascreen across town, and everything was so huge! It was hard to read the credits, and some of the fight scenes left me reeling.

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Spidey unexpectedly finds himself playing with sand.  Cool, huh?

John Carter

The movie 79 years in the making! That's usually a very bad sign, of course. As a general rule, the longer a film lingers "in development", the worse it gets. Apparently it resets after three-quarters of a century or so, though, since this one doesn't seem to have suffered much.

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The infamous white apes in the arena, trying to eat John