Jonah Hex

Comic-book Jonah Hex and Josh Brolin in full costume.

I went to see a movie this weekend, really. It was only 80 minutes long, but it was still a movie. But it was just kind of… there. I watched, I understood what was going on — not that it was difficult — but afterwards most of it started drifting slowly out of my head. It’ll never reach the point of that movie whose title I can never remember, because at least it had some visually interesting moments, but I’m still left wondering exactly what I paid $7.50 to see.

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The Karate Kid

Dre at the tournament during his final match.

I have a new plan. A cunning plan, even. I’m going to start watching and reviewing every TV show or movie from the 1980’s that was ever considered financially successful and/or a cult classic. Then, when someone gets around to remaking, say, Airplane! or Night Court for the big screen, all I have to do is change the actors’ names and maybe a few other details, and my review will be all set! It’ll be a huge timesaver, sort of like the way newspapers keep updated obituaries ready for celebrities.

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Elsa and Dren come face to face for the first time.

As the credits were rolling and everyone else was scampering to leave the theatre — though they were really short credits, bizarrely, so they almost didn’t have to bother — the woman who’d been sitting two rows behind me said to her friend, “That was so ethically questionable.” She has a point, even though twenty minutes before that she and her friend were both laughing so loudly that anyone happening by would have assumed there was a comedy playing on the screen. Sadly, though, that particular scene did have its laughable aspects, so I can’t entirely blame them.

Continue reading “Splice”